Why Fixing Emotions Doesn’t Work (And What Actually Creates Coherence)
Most of us were taught — explicitly or implicitly — that emotion is something to manage.
If someone is upset, we try to calm them down. If we’re upset, we try to get ourselves back to baseline as quickly as possible. If emotion lingers, we assume something is wrong. (In a previous post, I explored why feeling deeply doesn’t mean something is wrong with you — and how the question “Is this mine?” can create space around emotion).
But what if the impulse to fix emotion is not actually about care — but about discomfort? And what if that impulse, however well-intentioned, is the very thing that keeps emotional patterns stuck?
The fixing reflex
The urge to fix emotion often arises before we’ve even registered what we’re feeling.
Someone is sad → offer advice.
Someone is angry → explain why they shouldn’t be.
Someone is anxious → reassure, distract, problem-solve.
Sometimes the fixing is subtle:
positive reframing
premature optimism
“at least…” statements
suggesting action before presence
And sometimes it’s internal:
telling ourselves to calm down
trying to understand the feeling away
pushing through instead of pausing
Fixing feels active. Responsible. Helpful. But emotionally, it does something very specific: It collapses space.
Space is what allows emotion to move
Emotion moves when it is met with enough space to be felt without interference. Not when it is rushed. Not when it is analyzed mid-stream. Not when it is prematurely resolved.
When space is removed, emotion doesn’t disappear — it goes underground. It becomes:
resentment
chronic tension
emotional numbness
delayed explosions
This is why so many people feel caught between “too much” and “nothing at all.”
Mirroring vs conditioning
Here’s where things get subtle — and important. Emotion is relational by nature. We feel with and through each other. At its best, this creates mirroring:
emotion is reflected
awareness is increased
clarity becomes possible
But when mirroring happens unconsciously — without space or sovereignty — it turns into conditioning. Instead of:
“I see this emotion.”
It becomes:
“I need to stabilize this emotion.”
Instead of:
“I can witness this.”
It becomes:
“I need to change this.”
That shift — from witnessing to managing — is where distortion enters.
Why people try to fix in the first place
Fixing is rarely about control in the way we think of it. More often, it’s about:
wanting harmony
wanting safety
wanting connection to stay intact
When emotion feels threatening to connection, fixing becomes a strategy to preserve love. But love doesn’t require resolution. It requires presence.
Coherence emerges from sovereignty, not sameness
True emotional coherence doesn’t come from everyone feeling the same way. It comes from each person being able to stay present in their own nervous system. When one person collapses into another’s emotion, coherence is lost. When one person tries to regulate another, coherence is lost.
But when each person can feel what’s theirs — and let what isn’t theirs move freely — something stabilizes naturally.
Not because anyone forced it. But because space was honoured.
This changes everything relationally
In partnerships, this can mean:
emotions being shared without being solved
listening without immediately responding
allowing waves without walking on eggshells
In parenting, it can mean:
letting children feel without rushing to correct
regulating yourself first, then returning
trusting that emotion will pass when it’s met with safety
In yourself, it can mean:
feeling without self-judgment
pausing before reacting
letting sensation complete its cycle
The quiet power of not fixing
There is a profound humility in allowing emotion to exist without trying to improve it. It says:
“I trust this process.”
“I trust this body.”
“I trust this moment.”
And trust is what allows coherence to return.
I share personal stories and lived examples of this dynamic in the podcast episode Is This Mine?, where this inquiry first came alive for me.
xx Julie
